It seems as though ever since me an my finance broke things off back in '08, I have been on a downward spiral. I've fallen for females in the blink of an eye. Most of which I can honestly look back and admit I was simply infatuated. Why do I continually torture myself like this, I wish I knew. But recently I seriously thought things were different...
It's been a LONG time since I've had the feelings emerge for someone the way I had for this last one. After my last relationship, I put up a SERIOUS wall. You might have thought you were getting in, but in reality, there was so much I was hiding. But this last one... tore that wall down with such ease. I promised myself that under no circumstances would I change who I am for anyone and for any reason. But she had me changing who I was on a daily basis. Calming me down in ways I never thought possible, making me think about things I normally would have never taken the time to think about, constantly thinking about her in ways I've never thought about anyone. It was all way too good to be true....
For the first time, I actually held my tongue and didn't always say the things I wanted to say. Held back feelings to make sure I wasn't jumping ahead of myself. But eventually I just couldn't hold them in because I was driving myself insane and I needed to know what was going to happen. It's not often that you will catch me thinking about someone EVERY DAY. Always wondering when I'm going to see them next, always wishing they were by my side. But she was different...
I admit, when I should have stepped back, I put one foot forward. Where I should have hit the breaks, I stepped on the gas. Eventually forgetting about other things that were going on in our lives and worrying about the wrong things. Over looked some important things and over exaggerated others. My focus was in the wrong place. Maybe it was because I expected her to draw close but instead she drifted away. Maybe I was inconsiderate when I should have stopped and looked at the surroundings. Maybe I should stop looking for excuses as to why and just accept it for what it is.
As I sit here pondering and reminiscing of the past few months, I can only wonder... Wonder if everything I was thinking was ever a possibility. Wondering if I ever should have jumped to any conclusions. Wondering if what I thought was some sort of sign... was a figment of my imagination.
All I really know is that she was there when I needed her. In my desperate times of need. Always pushing me to do better, to keep my head up, to move forward, to be a better person. The amount of appreciation I have for everything can't be expressed. At the same time, I know that I officially hate those three words. Those words that always leave me feeling empty, always sinking my heart deep into my chest. I also know I may never utter those words to another soul other than hers. This was a lesson learned. A lesson to take into deep consideration so that I can avoid ever feeling that way towards an undeserving soul.
This is my final note: LOVE... I HATE YOU....
Now all I can do is smile.... And fade into the background...
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