Looking over some things in my life and I recently noticed something very strange. If it only happened once, I probably never would have paid attention to it. But the second time around, it just seems a little off.
What I'm talking about is the fact that every time someone passes away, I loose someone in one way or another. Now this can happen in multiple ways. One, the person that passes away was the person that was close to me. Or two, the person closest to me had someone pass away and I was cast aside. And in one case, both of these statements was true.
This first occurred when my cousin, Rudi Jean Baptiste (may he rest in peace), passed away. Me and him were closer than most people knew. He inspired me in many ways, always had good advice for me when I needed it. I still remember to this day the very fist time we met. I think about him and miss him all the time. It was bad enough that he was no longer a part of my life in the physical form, but immediately after his passing, the person who was my closest friend & confidant, told me that they didn't know if they could trust me anymore. Now if you have a puzzled look on your face right now, it's ok because I still have the same look on my face. I couldn't believe that the one person who I thought I could always count on and who knew they could always count on me was booting me out of their life. So that week, I lost not one, but two great people in my life.
Six months ago, someone came into my life that became very special to me. I didn't know this would be the case but they would become the one person I would rely on in what was to become my darkest hour. Our relationship was different from any kind of relationship with people that I have had before. It was "special" to say the least. Over time, not only were they there when I least expected them to be, they became my confidant, my shoulder to cry on, my inspiration and the voice that could lift my spirits out of the deepest hole. But, recently, their cousin passed away (may he too rest in peace). It was an extremely shocking occurrence. They have been dealing with it for the past few weeks and I've tried to be as supportive as possible. But I've recently come to realize that I'm just not good when it comes to death. I never know what to say or how to really deal with it. I make it know that I am there if i'm needed for anything but none ever seems to come to me. I don't know what it is, but its never the ones I expect that end up coming to me for comfort. Needless to say, I've been cast aside once again. Another relationship ended for reasons I can't explain and struggle to understand.
What I do know is that death is my enemy in more ways than one. If its not directly taking someone from me, it will do so by other means. I in no way, shape or mean to make this a selfish blog about me. I am simply stating something about my life that I have recognized. I don't know what is about death, but it torments and pulls apart my life every time, with out fail.
So, I'm sitting here listening to Ne-Yo, in a weird mood. And all I can think to myself is; LOVE SUCKS. I may be the weirdest most mushy dude in the world for admitting to this but I've had my heart broken far too many times. Too easily do I fall for someone who is not invested in me the same way I am with them. Time after time, I take the short end of the stick.
It seems as though ever since me an my finance broke things off back in '08, I have been on a downward spiral. I've fallen for females in the blink of an eye. Most of which I can honestly look back and admit I was simply infatuated. Why do I continually torture myself like this, I wish I knew. But recently I seriously thought things were different...
It's been a LONG time since I've had the feelings emerge for someone the way I had for this last one. After my last relationship, I put up a SERIOUS wall. You might have thought you were getting in, but in reality, there was so much I was hiding. But this last one... tore that wall down with such ease. I promised myself that under no circumstances would I change who I am for anyone and for any reason. But she had me changing who I was on a daily basis. Calming me down in ways I never thought possible, making me think about things I normally would have never taken the time to think about, constantly thinking about her in ways I've never thought about anyone. It was all way too good to be true....
For the first time, I actually held my tongue and didn't always say the things I wanted to say. Held back feelings to make sure I wasn't jumping ahead of myself. But eventually I just couldn't hold them in because I was driving myself insane and I needed to know what was going to happen. It's not often that you will catch me thinking about someone EVERY DAY. Always wondering when I'm going to see them next, always wishing they were by my side. But she was different...
I admit, when I should have stepped back, I put one foot forward. Where I should have hit the breaks, I stepped on the gas. Eventually forgetting about other things that were going on in our lives and worrying about the wrong things. Over looked some important things and over exaggerated others. My focus was in the wrong place. Maybe it was because I expected her to draw close but instead she drifted away. Maybe I was inconsiderate when I should have stopped and looked at the surroundings. Maybe I should stop looking for excuses as to why and just accept it for what it is.
As I sit here pondering and reminiscing of the past few months, I can only wonder... Wonder if everything I was thinking was ever a possibility. Wondering if I ever should have jumped to any conclusions. Wondering if what I thought was some sort of sign... was a figment of my imagination.
All I really know is that she was there when I needed her. In my desperate times of need. Always pushing me to do better, to keep my head up, to move forward, to be a better person. The amount of appreciation I have for everything can't be expressed. At the same time, I know that I officially hate those three words. Those words that always leave me feeling empty, always sinking my heart deep into my chest. I also know I may never utter those words to another soul other than hers. This was a lesson learned. A lesson to take into deep consideration so that I can avoid ever feeling that way towards an undeserving soul.
This is my final note: LOVE... I HATE YOU....
Now all I can do is smile.... And fade into the background...
So this post goes out to my dearest friend who suggested I talk about the sexual frustrations that we experience.
Have to ever been in a situation where you're at a road block with someone you are interested in sexually? Have you ever become such good friends with someone that you don't even want to make a move because you don't want the friendship to get weird? Or even been secluded in the same room with a person that you're attracted to and you can feel the tension in the air but neither of you do anything about it?!
Well I don't know about the rest of you, but I've been in this picture far too many times. On several occasions I have met a chick that I was sexually attracted to, got to know her and ended up being such good friends that I knew things would get extremely weird if attempted anything with them. Yet every time they were around, you could smell the tension in the air like the scent of fresh sex! But what do you do in situations like this? Do you take the risk of dissolving your friendship in light of fulfilling or at least attempting to fulfill you sexual desires? Or do you simply put your attraction aside and act as if it never existed?
I would really like to hear the female side to this story and get your opinions on it. Because I've been left sexually frustrated on far too many occasions simply because I got to know someone too well before attempting any type of sexual interaction with them. So ladies, let me know what you would do or what you have done in situations where the stench of sexual frustration is in the air.
I don't know about the rest of you, but I love a good deal. If I can find something I want or need at a discount I'm all for it. But when do you draw the line and spend the extra buck on something? Is a cheap deal always the best deal?...
Don't get me wrong, I'm no cheap scape by any means (quite the opposite). But the majority of the time I would rather not have to spend too much in something if I don't have to. For example, earlier today I was online looking for my book for my Database class and I don't know about you but school books are NOT cheap and if I can get it for less I will jump on it. The book is typically around $175+ depending on where you get it. I happened to find it online for $28 BRAND NEW!! Why would I pass that up? Now on the other hand, I was watching House of Payne where Curtis (aka Pops) needed to make repairs on the house because of a cracked foundation and decided to find some cheap labor to do the work. The guy he originally hired didn't do the job properly and what was originally a $5000 job jumped to $15000 and ultimately costing $87000.
So the question I'm asking is: when do you draw the line in being cheap, and do you truly "get what you pay for"?
In my personal opinion, when it comes to small items such as clothes, personal items and everyday expenses, if you can get it for less then why not? But when it comes to items that affect your health, safety and life in general, there is no room for being cheap and sacrificing quality.
